I was now without resources except my skills as a research scientist. (My credit cards had been claimed by the restaurant at the instruction of the credit card company.) I worked for a while as a motel maid and stayed in a residence hotel. I had a hot plate to cook with, and the bathroom sink to wash up in. Fortunately, I was within walking distance of my work.
Finally, I went to Washington State to get a better job. It was the closest research center I knew of. Susie had already moved there and had a boyfriend. I stayed with them until I had work. I found a job at the University of Washington, and eventually, with the help of my boss, I was able to get an apartment within walking distance of work.
Several years later, I was well established and had paid my debt back. I was saving for a round-the-world tour. I was going to work the grape harvest in France, live on a kibbutz, and then work with Mother Teresa in India. I already had my immunizations and was waiting on visas.
Something happened, I am not sure what. I panicked. I don’t remember panicking, but I have to assume something like that happened because of what happened next. The only reason I know about this is because of my journal.
I tracked down Elena’s number and tried to talk to her. Nancy was the one who answered the phone. She wouldn’t give me Elena’s contact information, though we talked for a long time. Finally, Elena came on the line. She and Nancy were back together. I don’t know why I wanted to talk to her, except that whatever spell I was under was still there. Maybe I called to tell her about the trip, maybe to ask to come back. All I remember now is how much distress I was in. As I talked with her, I rubbed my hands up and down on my thighs, as if I could smooth away my anxiety. Somehow, she agreed for me to come to Montana again.
I went by bus since I no longer had a car. I had a massive headache the whole way there. I should have listened to my body, which was brighter than my brain.
Once I was there, they took the money I had saved and used it to pay the rent on their house and to buy food, the cheapest possible, because we didn't know when more money would be coming in.
Elena and Daniel were now married. She had turned her three children over to her former husband. In a fit of temper, she had told them they were terrible children, and then drove across the country, and surrendered them to their father. I was shocked. What a horrible thing to do to those children.
Elena was now pregnant with her fourth. He was born while I was there. Because Elena did not want to go to the hospital, I delivered him, with no knowledge at all, but a great deal of fear. He had his cord wrapped around his neck and he was blue as he came out. I yelled at Elena to push and he was born. I told Daniel to go get a nasal aspirator to clear his nose, and I held and massaged him until he took his first breath and his color returned. I never told either Elena or Daniel how close it had been. He seems to have done well anyway based on the pictures I have seen.
One night Samuel (the baby) wouldn't settle. Elena asked me to walk with him. I was happy to do so. We walked in the moonlight in the empty house, his head against my shoulder. I sang softly to him as I walked. The smell of him, the weight of him on my shoulder, his soft head nestled against my neck, and his newborn contented noises enveloped my senses completely. It was instinctual, primal, my female response to a newborn. I had long wanted a husband and children so this was an overwhelming experience. I longed for my own. But I did not want to take him from Elena.
Nancy’s children were now living with us; she had divorced Frank and was still with the Old Flame, who didn’t like children. Hence their presence here. The children mostly stayed away from Elena if they could as her temper was erratic. I was walking on eggshells also. We had almost no money and were once again sleeping on floors. Daniel and I would walk about three miles into the University in the morning to look for work, and then walk back home in the evening. Our diet consisted of tuna with macaroni and a red sauce seasoned heavily with cayenne pepper. This was all we had.
One day, Elena lost her temper with the girls. It was terrifying. She chased them from room to room until they were cowering under the bathroom sink. Elena raised her hand to strike them, but Daniel intervened. Not long after that, Frank showed up with a court order and a sheriff to collect the girls. Nancy had violated the terms of her divorce. She was strictly forbidden to let the girls be anywhere near Elena, let alone to leave them in her care.
I pray for the children regularly. Having been indoctrinated by Elena and Nancy against their fathers, saying they were evil, then emotionally abused by their mothers, and finally to be taken away by police and given to those same fathers must have been extremely traumatic. I very much wish I had helped them more.
Elena became more paranoid and unsettled as our money disappeared. Daniel and I continued to walk about 5 miles to the University, Daniel to work on his thesis, and me to look for work.
One night Daniel and I returned late from a job search. Daniel had wanted to go on a hike with a friend, and then to stop for a few beers afterward. It was good stress relief, except I was worried about being late. There was no way to let Elena know what had happened.
Sure enough, she was furious when she got home, but now she was also paranoid. Nancy stood in the shadows of the kitchen where the light didn’t reach.
"Where have you been!? What have you been doing!? Has she been trying to seduce you away from me!!?" Her face was distorted with rage as she confronted Daniel.
"No, Elena! A friend of mine invited us for beer so we stayed and talked. I didn't think there would be a problem!" he pleaded with her.
"You don't know her the way I do! She has evil in her heart! She wants you for herself! And little Samuel too. She is a conniving bitch. You've seen how she holds him and smiles at him!"
I kept quiet while they argued back and forth. Daniel was on my side. Nancy was silent. Finally, Elena turned to me and said, "Get upstairs and think about it. You need to confess what is in your heart, bitch!"
This was catastrophic. I slowly went up the stairs, in shock. I sat on the floor in the dark, trying to figure out what to do. I could hear the murmur of their voices down below, Elena angry and unrelenting, and Daniel trying to placate her. Nancy put in a word here and there, but not in my support.
How did this happen? I didn't want Daniel or their baby, but it was true that I wanted a husband and baby of my own. I had watched Elena, Daniel, and Samuel wistfully, hoping that someday I would have a husband of my own. But not Daniel! Or Samuel! As I sat there crying, my mind spun in circles, looking for a solution. If she wouldn’t believe Daniel there was no hope…a word came to me. Covet. What if I said I had coveted them and said I was sorry? I wasn't sure what the word meant, but maybe it would communicate the right thing. Maybe...maybe if I confessed, she would forgive me, and it would be OK.
It wasn't OK. Daniel's disgusted stare hurt the most. They sent me back upstairs. I stared at the ceiling, swept by surges of rage and grief.
Why I chose that word I do not know.
They let me stay the night. The next morning Elena packed my bags. Daniel said, “You have defiled my house,” in an emotionless voice. They took me and my suitcases to the YWCA and dropped me off.
All I had was two suitcases and my clothes. My credit cards had been maxed out and canceled, once again, and I had no job. I wouldn’t tell the intake person what happened because I thought to talk about it I would be criticizing them, and that would only cement my damnation. I was rejected by the community and so I was outside of grace, beyond salvation. I was an emotional and psychological wreck. I no longer knew what was true, what I believed.
They took me to the safe house for battered women. I had to swear to reveal its location to no one. No worries. I had no one to reveal it to.
I can’t say I hope you are enjoying this, but I hope you will stick with it. The next chapter is called “Climbing Out of Darkness.” Chapters 1 and 2, Chapter 3, and Chapter 4 can be found here.