This is the third chapter in a serial memoir. Chapters 1 and 2 can be found here.
Slowly I began to learn about house dynamics. Elena and Nancy had a unique one-sided friendship. Nancy had bad asthma and a weak constitution. Elena was devoted to Nancy. She had taken it upon herself as a special mission to protect Nancy from Frank. On the other hand I never saw Nancy do anything special for Elena.
Nancy rarely left her room, which always had the shades drawn, and the door closed, so I saw little of her interaction with her husband. This was deliberate, I think, but she was also isolated from the rest of us except Elena. To see Nancy, I had to go to her room.
One day she asked me to come. My mental picture of the scene, several decades removed was of a room darkened by shades. Nancy sat behind a table with her work in front of her. Because of her asthma there were no curtains or rugs. There were no extra chairs either, so I was forced to stand while talking to her, but she was friendly enough and was curious about my scientific work. She wanted me to tell her about MIT.
I talked about the class where a professor tried to intimidate the freshmen students by beginning the first class with Schrodinger’s equation. I talked about failing freshman physics my first semester, along with half the class. Self-paced classes were a very bad idea for freshmen.
“That sounds awful. Were there any good things?”
So I told her about epic student pranks and cooking Christmas dinner for anyone stuck on campus for the holiday. But I didn’t mention that MIT had persuaded me I was not worth much. Everyone there had graduated in the top of their high school class. The tests were so tough that getting 50% was a B or higher, depending on the curve. And my advisor, a chemist working in the lab of a Nobel Laureate, never indicated I was doing well or should consider graduate school.
It can't have been easy living with me. I was a young, needy, easily influenced, clingy young woman with no sense of personal identity or boundaries and full of self-pity. I was invested in this community emotionally because I thought it might meet my needs. I thought I might learn how to become lovable here.
But I wasn't the only needy one in the house. I have barely mentioned Susie, yet she figures significantly in the story. Susie was as devoted to Elena as I was. Susie had been in the house before me and shared a relationship with Elena and Nancy that I did not have. In particular, she and Elena shared a dream of someday having a musical troop that would tour the world, giving concerts and raising money for a farm they wanted to have. Susie had a background in music, which I did not. I was envious of her relationship with Elena.
I shared a bedroom with her because the house was full. At night she would tell about the community’s history, and about herself. She was getting divorced from her husband, who managed a grocery store. She still helped with lettering of signs and banners for him. It turned out that they had both attended the bible study together before the divorce. Something had broken up their marriage, but Susie didn't tell me what.
She told me Elena was also getting divorced, again for unknown reasons, but I began to think that Elena might have something to do with both divorces.
I found out about why tension was so high– why it always felt like a storm was on the horizon. Elena talked about the righteous and the wicked a lot, as if there were only two types of people. She frequently quoted verses from the Psalms and Proverbs on the subject. It put the rest of us on edge. She would go from sunny to thunderous and back again without warning.
“The Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish,” she would pronounce with great emphasis on ‘perish.’. I never knew who she meant. Did she mean me? I knew I wasn’t worth anything, but wicked?
One day Elena took me out shopping for a birthday present for Nancy. We went to the mall and spent all day looking. As time went on, Elena grew more and more furious, and talked about the wicked and the righteous more and more. I still didn't know what she was talking about until she turned and said, "He's trying to stop us from getting a present for Nancy!"
Frank was the wicked one? Stopping us how?
“You see, don’t you, Ann? He has prevented us from accomplishing what we need to do. He hates Nancy, and he can make bad things happen. He is evil.”
I didn’t argue. I didn’t dare. Angry Elena was formidable.
Charismatic Christians allow for the action of the devil in the world and for his ability to influence events. However, I couldn’t imagine that anyone I knew would be in league with the devil. Besides, what was so special about Nancy?
I was washing up the lunch dishes the next Saturday when Elena came in.
"I need to talk to you about something, Ann." She sat down at the big oak kitchen table, and I joined her. Her tone of voice was somber.
"You need to know that Frank wants to kill Nancy. I did not believe it at first. It began by his moving her to New Jersey from California. Her allergies are bad here, bad enough to kill her. Her doctors say she should move back to California, but he won't do it."
"Why does that make you think he wants to kill her? That's a serious accusation."
"There are other things I can't tell you about. If he was to find out that I knew about these things, my life would be in danger also. I have to stay on his good side to protect Nancy."
"He is a bit strange, but to accuse him of homicidal desires is extreme. He seems harmlessl."
"He is not. Nancy has had several serious falls, and her pills have been messed with. That is all I can say. Please believe me and keep your eyes open."
I nodded and she left. But I began to have doubts about my involvement with the house. Elena was wonderful, but this business about Frank was distressing. It didn’t make sense. I started looking for signs that Frank had murderous intent toward his wife, but I never saw them together except at our Bible studies, and those had been discontinued for some reason.
Why didn’t I move out? The whole situation was hard to believe, but it was the end of the winter term and I had a full load of teaching, no money and no time. I was working evenings and weekends with grading, lesson plans, and coaching. So I chose to set it aside, but the tension continued high.
One day Nancy, Elena, Susie, and I decided we needed a break from the sense of doom in the house. We wanted to go to a movie, the first ever since I had been at the house. We could not go unless Frank watched the children. Elena asked him, "Frank, would you be willing to watch the children while we go to a movie? We haven't had an outing together in quite a while."
He frowned. "Can't one of you do it?"
"That's the whole point. We want to all be together."
"Oh, all right." Then in a cold voice he added, "You'll regret it."
I thought this was strange. But we got into my yellow VW Beetle and drove off.
We were on a wide two-lane road with a dusting of snow on the ground, traveling 30 mph, with cars parked on both sides of the road when it happened. As we were driving by, a car pulled out and into my right front quarter panel. He had not signaled and there had been no warning. There were no lights to even indicate the car was on. I was not speeding either. In any other circumstances it would seem like a random accident, but I remembered Frank's words and I felt chilled. Nancy had been sitting in the right front seat. Of course, everyone made the same connection I was making. He really must be evil, I thought. And that was the beginning of my increasing acceptance of what Elena said. Those specific words, “You’ll regret it,” and the way he said them, had sounded like a threat. And then this happened.
"You see, Ann? You heard what he said. He didn't even wait a day!" Elena spoke earnestly, with perfect conviction, when we returned home
Susie chimed in. "I know, isn't it obvious he's responsible?"
Nancy said nothing.
I was in shock, because to think someone who was a declared Christian would try to kill anyone was incredible. This situation sounded weirdly like the opening to a murder mystery. His saying "You'll regret this" had seemed so odd, so non-standard a response that the car crash seemed like evidence that what Elena said was true.
What if Frank had directed this accident using some occult dark force? That meant we were all vulnerable!
It may seem odd that someone would be convinced by one coincidence of the truth of such a strange story. But remember my loneliness and self-doubt? I was vulnerable. I was internally pressured to believe Elena because I trusted her and wanted to believe. My rational side knew it probably was a coincidence, but what was more likely to be true? That it was a coincidence? That Elena was making it up? Or that it was no coincidence? She knew him much better than I did. Or was Frank just an ordinary jerk who didn’t want to watch the kids?
Learning things that I didn’t know.
Me too!