Dear friends, I now have about three chapters ready to publish for the memoir, but I have reached a point where I don't know what the right thing to do is. Here's the problem. When I write a made-up story everything in it is fiction and I don't have to worry about disrupting someone's life. When I write a memoir, I am telling a true story, that is, unless I modify it to make characters not identifiable. In this day and age I find it improbable that they will remain unidentifiable. You can look up my name and find every address I lived at, and who lived there with me. It will also tell you my aliases should there be any. Someone clever with the computer may be able to crosslink related files and determine the identity of my characters.
This would be disastrous. I have no right to tell the story of someone else, even though our lives intersect. I can tell my story but I have to respect their privacy even though they may have harmed me. The technical term for revealing bad stuff about someone is defamation.Â
Now imagine a scenario. One of the characters in my memoir has a Facebook page. This person died several years ago but the posts still remain from family and friends expressing their love. This person also had children after the cult was finished. I do not know what those children know about their parents. It would be devastating to find out a parent had done some of the things that happened in the cult. It would create a whole new picture of who they are.Â
Some say that truth should be revealed no matter what it is. Should it? is it mine to do the revealing, or should the other people who were involved choose? Undoubtedly they already have.
Then there is the matter of my motive in writing the memoir. Do I write it just so other people may benefit from my experience or do I write it to get a slight amount of pleasure from exposing other people's bad choices. The truth is I don't come out so well in the memoir so maybe I shouldn't worry about the effect on other people. But I would be revealing stuff they might want kept secret.
 I would like your opinion on this problem. I am writing to lay it all out before you read the chapters in question. I am stuck here. What would you do? Someone in my family feels very strongly that I shouldn't write about other people's problems. Others say let it all hang out. I am coming to believe that it is not ethical to expose other people to the world even if they hurt me. The human heart is very complicated. I thought I had forgiven them completely but I find there still is a residue of anger in me. it is slight, very slight, but not without effect. I'm having a hard time not publishing, though, because I feel I have the right to tell my story. Is this a problem that can be resolved? What do you think? I am asking you to please tell me what you think. I am looking for feedback. What is the right thing to do?Â
Sara's note called this to my attention! This exact problem is part of why I have avoided certain topics/conversations.
I think, if you go to efforts to obscure someone's identity from easy recognition, you have done your part. If someone else does all that research you suggested, and finds something--they have done the deed, not you.
I would suggest adding a disclaimer that names, places, and events have been obscured to protect anonymity of the people involved, and that way only you know what is retold exactly as it occurred, and only you know what was obscured and by how much. And we the readers don't know which names, places, or events have been obscured, which adds layers of confusion to prevent identifying any of these other people in your life.
I hope this is helpful! Thank you Sara for flagging this for me! Good luck, Ann!
Ann you are such an honorable person — you will know in your heart the right thing !